Crabby Blogging Lady

Here it is, folks! The All-Purpose, Industrial Size Crabby Generator! It’s just in time for the new year, and it’s SURE to make your friends people you know and family aggravated, right after they’ve made those lame resolutions to be kinder, gentler, nicer, and get better rates on rv financing (heh heh, how’s that one, huh?). This will prove if they really mean to keep those resolutions, or are just following the other lemmings with all that phony resolution stuff.

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. (I do something like this– purely on accident!– all too often)
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “hush money.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. And cackle while you do it.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy.”
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. (I do this all the time, and it really works!)
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
16. Staple pages in the middle top of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers. (I do this; I also very sweetly say, “Excuse you” to shoppers blocking the aisles at WalMart.)
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    “DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
    “What?”
    “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat. (I have a nephew who has done something similar. Believe me, it DOES make a person crabby. VERY VERY crabby)
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “SWAT Team raid” “IRS,” and “ATF Bureau.”

moar funny pictures
Thanks to Chilly at On the Bricks for posting it. I slightly amended the list to make it even more delicious.

W.C. Fields once said, “I love kids, with a little salt.”

I never liked W.C. Fields. He was a kook, and I never thought he was very funny. But that one witty moment of his about children has stuck with me. Ha ha!

I love kids, too. I’ve dedicated an entire post to kids! Yes, those snot-sneezing, whining, selfish little brutes. It’s a marvelous thing to watch one grow into an adult. Relief, even. Kids, this post is for YOU. hehehe

All of these photos were found at MyFirstFail.com, a marvelous website. There, parents can submit photos of the embarrassing things their kids do, for millions of people to laugh at!

Well, let the show begin…

I have ALWAYS wanted to do this. I just never had enough duct tape back then. Hey, it’s better than shaking the kid or locking her in a closet, isn’t it? She looks perfectly happy! (And just think– SOME mom or dad even took a photo of this and uploaded it to a public site!)

My children were always falling and flopping around. It didn’t phase me. “Kids are made of rubber,” I’d say. “You’ll recover.” Here’s MY PROOF!

Here are a couple of budding sports stars. Actually, if the first photo was in black and white, I’d think it was me doing that smooth move!

Nice toss, baby Joe Namath…

Here’s a music fan. They start them really young nowadays. Actually, if he’s listening to any music composed after 1880, he’s worse off than Duct Tape Baby, above.

WAAH! Mom, where’s my lollipop?!

And finally, there’s this one. Kids could NEVER make good criminals. Because by the time they finally make it to the crime scene, they’re pooped and need a nap.

Hope you enjoyed! Yessirreeee! Those good ol’ days of pacifiers, diapers, and screaming fits! I am SO glad to be old.

Yes, people!! YESYESYES!!!!!!!!!!!

Regular readers will know that I am a tormented soul– I am plagued, absolutely plagued, with telemarketing calls. There are various reasons for our plague: when we moved to this house, we kept the previous telephone number so as to avoid the $150 new number fee– but the old number was a parsonage number so we’ve ALWAYS gotten weirdo and stray calls; I was on the stupid Do Not Call List for a time, but it expired at some point (why does it expire, I’d like to know?!) and I never got back on; and the devil just likes to torment us with evil pranksters and phone calls.

This post is the “diet pills” rendition of my angry rants. If you are desperate to read the whole raving-mad schpiel, check out my Telemarketing Hell posts, here and here. Maybe you know exactly what I mean, too– have you ever gotten one of those “your auto warranty is expiring!!” calls?? It seems everyone is getting them. I don’t think the company is calling people off a list, either. I think the company is making random calls, calling every phone number combination they can think of, because both Mr. Crabby and I get these same calls on our cell phones, too.

SO on to why I am finally rejoicing!

Millions of Americans have gotten the call.

“This is the second notice that the factory warranty on your vehicle is about to expire,” says the recorded voice at the other end of the line.

Most people hang up. The machine calls again later.

Michael Silveira decided to strike back. The 22-year-old laboratory technician, who doesn’t own a car, says he was getting unsolicited sales pitches as often as twice a day on his cell phone.

So last week, Silveira began calling back an auto-warranty company that has become the focus of an Internet crusade. He left it voice-mail messages that contained nothing but a recording of Rick Astley’s 1987 hit song “Never Gonna Give You Up.”

Using phone numbers for Auto One Warranty Specialists Inc. that users posted to a Web site called Reddit.com, Mr. Silveira joined dozens of activists who have peppered the warranty company with messages including elevator music, threats and offers of rude services.

“I thought, if you get a bunch of people together, you could blow up their voice-mail boxes,” says Mr. Silveira.

YES YES!!!! Finally! But then the story took a really weirdo turn. They are calling us “activists” and “vigilantes.” Huh?!?!

Calif., warranty company with 60 employees. He says Reddit users overloaded his phone lines with computerized calls, changed voice-mail greetings on his company’s system, and even threatened arson. People have been conspicuously honking outside his home, he says. To cope, he redirected some of the numbers that activists had been calling.

All of this happened, he says, with no evidence that his company had done anything wrong. “Ninety percent of the people complaining about my company have never been contacted by my company,” he says. He hires third-party marketing firms to call consumers — but says he pays a premium to ensure they call only people who have opted in to receiving solicitations. Many warranty calls come from so-called “ghost” phone numbers that make it nearly impossible to determine their origin. Mr. Silveira can’t be certain Auto One is behind the calls he got, but he says he came to believe it was responsible for some of them after reading the Reddit postings.

Like most vigilantes, consumers who decide to take matters into their own hands with auto-warranty touts are in legally murky waters. Leaving harassing messages could be considered a threat, and might be prosecuted by authorities in some states.

Buuuuttt…. WE are the ones being harrassed! THEY are the activists and vigilantes! Isn’t it just LIKE the bureaucrats to turn around and accuse the “small” people like that. Holy cow! GAH!!!

These auto warranty calls are horrid. They call at all times during the day, repeatedly, and then hang up. Sometimes they leave lengthy messages on the answering machine, sometimes not. But the calls are EVERY DAY, ALLLL DAY, all hours! I have had to change my telephone number because of it. And there is no “opt in” to receiving solicitations!! What a lie!! I never opted in to receive your calls, Mr. Auto Warranty! I DEFINITELY never opted in to receive ANY calls ringing off the hook all day, driving me insane!

But one guy “from the system” gets it. Oddly enough, he’s gotten those calls, too!

Connecticut’s attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who because of complaints has been looking into the marketing practices of Auto One and other warranty marketers for more than a year, warns that consumers should “avoid breaking the law simply for revenge.”

But Mr. Blumenthal, who has received warranty-expiration calls several times himself, is sympathetic to the vigilantes. “The telemarketers would be on very shaky ground making a complaint about the use of practices directed against them that they use on consumers,” he says.

I find it threatening to liberty to NOT be able to take non-violent matters into our on hands. Just like Idiotic Bush did– HE wouldn’t enforce our national border laws, so WE THE PEOPLE decided to do it… and he called us vigilantes, even placing some folks in jail. UH HELLO?!?!? WE are the government– we the people, not YOU!! Enforce our laws, you tyrants!!!

Gosh, now I am super-duper crabby. Politics always does this to me. Gotta go take a Valium or something, darn it. See ya later.

Well, Mother’s Day is just around the corner! This is the day we “celebrate” our mothers for going through all the agony of pregnancy and childbirth; all the 2am feedings, explosive poops, and puking Chicken Pox nights of our infancy; all the nail-biting, ulcer-forming days throughout our tempestuous youth; and the nighttime crying  jags brought on by our engagement(s) and marriage(s) and rearing (hopefully) of her grandchildren.

But what if you have (insert creepy organ music) an eeeeevil step-mother? Do you lie, buy a cutsie pink card, and care to send your very best? This post is for all you disenchanted children out there. Here are some gift ideas for you. And remember– who told you never to tell a lie? YOUR MOTHER! So prove that you never lie– tell your mother that you DO care to send her the very best.

How about this? It’s a screaming mirror. A nice touch for the vain, evil step-mother.

This is my favorite. You can give this to any of your least favorite female relatives! It’s perfume– stinking perfume. I admire that the bottle says only “Morning Breeze Perfume” on it. Just $3, too! Include the price tag for that extra-special touch.

This is a lovely tote, with motherly blue stripes. It’s the perfect gift for the “Know-It-All” step-mother, read more »

Saw these at Snackosaurus Rex a few weeks ago. I have GOT to get me some and use them for Mr. Crabby’s lunch. Won’t he be CRAAAAABBY after getting this! Hardy har!

After giving the guy a heart attack, I’d better be prepared to “say I’m sorry with the very best” with some exclusive Westgate reservations or something… Honey, it was just a joke!