Crabby Blogging Lady

Well, here’s a distraction from all the crappy news we’ve had to endure lately. Gag gifts! I love gag gifts! They are perfect for expressing how you truly feel about people!

Send this in to your Congressman!

This is bad, I know. But funny! And for most men, it’s absolutely true! Also– if it came with the arrow pointing upwards toward the mouth, you could give this gift to your Congressman, too! It’s not unlike the “diarrhea of the mouth” quick trim fast cleanse reviews t-shirts I’ve seen. I wonder if the company does special order? Because it would make a great gift for Al Gore!

Here are some other “truth in advertising” t-shirts:

The mugs are exceptional.

For the Redneck with style:

This is a talking toilet paper holder. Haha! Great for public places or to install during the holidays, when your home is infested with guests.

Speaking of infested, how about this nifty accessory? This is GREAT for the holidays!!! If this won’t keep those Christmas busybodies away from your comfortable home, then I don’t know what will.

Finally, here’s a nice gift for the child or grandchild. Funny thing is, the kid will never know how goofy he looks! And if he does know, then he’s TOO OLD to be sucking on a pacifier and you need to quit being so soft on your kid. Sheesh, where’s your respect for your own child??

I usually don’t buy gag gifts, because I think they are tasteless. But that Toxic Vent t-shirt has me intrigued. I may get that one.

Photos and gifts here: TalkingPresents, WasteSomeCash (I love their honesty), Zazzle.

So it’s another new year, hurray! Another year of ridiculous celebrity-watching, of watching politicians lie through their teeth (ho hum), of ingesting all the latest hype that the media dishes out. Wonder what we’ll have to endure for 2010. Big whoop.

And then there are, of course, New Year’s resolutions. When did this tradition start? Who made up such a dumb thing? Nobody ever keeps them! Bah. I’m going to break tradition. Instead of ME making New Year’s resolutions for me, I’ll make up some resolutions for you! How’s that? Yes, I thought you’d be happy!

• Gain some weight. Be a non-conformist! Who says everyone needs to be as skinny as Angelina Jolie, huh?! People, you are FINE as you are! Plus, once the dollar is totally devalued and our economy tanks, you’re going to need all the extra fat you can get, to survive the tough times. That is, unless you’ve been following Glenn Beck’s advice and have a basement full of potatoes for the coming depression.
• Stop buying cheapo Chinese products! Americans and other people in Western nations complain that there are no jobs, no work… you know why? Because the politicians that YOU have been voting for have outsourced everything to China! Heck, 1 out of 4 American babies are now made in China! This must stop! Let’s take our economy back before we have to start learning Chinese and Hindi! Buy American, vote those crooks out of office, and demand that laws be changed to favor American companies and not foreign investments.
• Stop expecting Trickle Down “hope and change.” Funny, the same people who despised Reagan’s Trickle Down economics now religiously promote it when it comes to “social justice” or “fairness.” Give me a break. You want hope and change? Make it yourself, in your own family first, then your own community. Quit thinking so monarchially– we’re a republic and government is supposed to start with US, not the other way around.
• Get to know your neighbors. Let’s build communities again. Build front porches again, clean up your town both of litter and juvenile delinquents.
• Throw out the TV. It’s crap. We all know it. But for some ungodly reason, people still keep watching that durn boob tube! And then, they go on Twitter and ALL they tweet about is what they are, have, or will be watching on TV! It’s insane!

Ah. Now that I have this all off my chest, I think I may just enjoy the new year. Have a happy one!

P.S. Be sure to keep me updated on how you’re doing with those resolutions. If you ever need a kick in the pants to get you going, let me know.

I’d like to wish all those who have endured my rants, my whinings, my grumblings, and my brilliant deductions and reasonings:

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

And for the rest of you: BAH HUMBUG!

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Having guests over for the holidays? Yeah, I hate it, too. Here are some tips to make them think twice about crashing at your house next year!

• Make lattes with hideous faces in the whipped cream.


moar funny pictures

• Rent a dozen cats and place the litterboxes in various places (living room, bathroom, kitchen)
• Play only one song; Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Round the Christmas Tree,” ALL day long. When guests start to complain, pout that it’s the only Christmas song you have and that you NEVER get the perfect gift.



• Buy only bulky fitness equipment as gifts, and keep the receipts.
• Wait for your mother-in-law to arrive, then start a discussion about politics.
• Wait for your father-in-law to arrive, then start a discussion about religion.
• Leave Ann Coulter books or Al Franken books lying around the house.
• Serve garlic-flavored jelly beans in the candy dishes.
• Serve that nasty Jones “Tofurkey & Gravy Soda” as a drink.*barf*
• Go “Filapino” for dinner, and serve a pig’s head on a platter, with balut for a side dish! *Warning* Do not click link if your stomach is weaker then your curiosity.
• Invite families with small children, and place your breakable knick-knacks at their level! For an added touch: stock only one high-chair/booster seat in the house.

I’m sure your guests will have a day they’ll never forget. And it will ensure that next year, everybody will be meeting at Aunt Bertha’s house and not yours! Have a merry Christmas, everyone!

By the way, I don’t “do” Christmas, so I admit that I get smug satisfaction watching all of you scurry around like little ferrets while I can lean back, relax, and sip my espresso. *cackle*

Well well! According to Margie and Edna, today is Global Forgiveness Day! I’m no party-pooper– I’d just love to join in and party. So in commemoration of Global Forgiveness Day, I’d like to say: I forgive you, World! Even though you do the stupidest things on a constant basis without any regard for posterity! You stupid world! Gah!

I’m glad I got that off my chest. Yes, I do feel better now. It’s a beautiful thing to forgive your globe.

So where’s the champagne?

Did you know that the word “holiday” comes from the term “holy day”? A day that is honored and sanctified above others? July 4th is Independence Day, a “holy day” to us, granted from our holy rollers, the Founding Fathers. They didn’t see it as a time for us lazy, beer-burping baseball spectators to rah-rah the home team or run to grab all the sales at the stores (as wonderful as that is).

Independence Day is about our independence from Great Britain! It’s NOT about immigration! Hello?!

I grew up in the 70s and 80s… and all those stupid TV shows and newscasts were about how wonderful our country is because of all the immigrants we got, and we celebrate it on July 4th, feverishly reciting The New Colossus over and over again. Holy cow, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. July 4th has NOTHING to do with immigration, especially the profligate and unbridled immigration our country saw during the 1800s and late 1990s.

“[Is] rapid population [growth] by as great importations of foreigners as possible… founded in good policy?… They will bring with them the principles of the governments they leave, imbibed in their early youth; or, if able to throw them off, it will be in exchange for an unbounded licentiousness, passing, as is usual, from one extreme to another. It would be a miracle were they to stop precisely at the point of temperate liberty. These principles, with their language, they will transmit to their children. In proportion to their number, they will share with us the legislation. They will infuse into it their spirit, warp and bias its direction, and render it a heterogeneous, incoherent, distracted mass… If they come of themselves, they are entitled to all the rights of citizenship: but I doubt the expediency of inviting them by extraordinary encouragements.” –Thomas Jefferson: Notes on Virginia Q.VIII, 1782. ME 2:118

So while that “huddled masses yearning to breathe free” stuff makes for good poetry, a nation that has not a stable immigration policy with ENFORCED borders isn’t really defined as a nation! And the United States of America does not owe its greatness to the gazilions of immigrants that flooded here from other countries!

P.S. Before you start up on your brainwashed blabber about how xenophobic I sound, please be aware that THIS IS REALITY. So get a life. I’m not xenophobic.

Independence Day is about our independence from Great Britain! It’s NOT about veterans! Nowadays I keep hearing how “We wouldn’t be free without G.I. Joe.” Ummm… sorry, that’s not true. G.I. Joe didn’t go to Normandy or Korea or Vietnam or Kuwait or Iraq to set us free. G.I. Joe went to set Europe, South Korea, South Vietnam, Kuwait, and Iraq free. Oh by the way, the government did a pretty crappy job managing the wars as well as managing the G.I. Joes’ pensions and medical care. :-p Enough said.

Independence Day is about “No King but Jesus.” Yes, a shocker that may come to the brainwashed public school masses, where you learned that the Americans rebelled because our tea was being taxed, and because the patriots were free-thinkers who wanted to be secular humanists and live in a socialist utopia! Ha ha! Have I got an education for you– WRONG.

P.S. Before you start up on your brainwashed blabber about how George Washington was a Deist and etc, please be aware that I am a HISTORY SCHOLAR. Please don’t give me quotes from Thomas Fleming, George Wood, and the other revisionists. Go read the writings of Washington (you can start here), Hamilton, Franklin, Witherspoon, Rush, Webster, and Jay, like I have. You JUST may get an education!

Yeah, I’m feisty today. But there’s something about Independence Day that gets my goat. I have that Patriot blood surging through my veins, and by golly, I hate commie coup d’ etats.

So go out there and eat your hot dog and drink your beer. But remember that it was those God-fearing, Bible-thumpin’, iron-backboned, liberty-loving folks who made it so you could eat and drink in peace and liberty.