Crabby Blogging Lady

when your local newspaper updates the “obituaries” section every day, but updates the “births” section once a week…

when there are more teenagers busted for DWIs than middle-agers…

when American people must rely more on foreign news outlets for important news than the Goebbels-ish media outlets in the US…

when the US government raises the debt ceiling to astronomical levels…

when even Toyota is issuing massive recalls…

when the only “health care plan” the government can come up with is killing off the young and old, and bankrolling illegal aliens…

when China stops hacking military computers, and becomes strangely quiet…

when your income tax refund check bounces…

when rationing becomes the most popular fat burner…

Got any good ones yourself? No obscene ones, k?

It’s January. That jerk of a president has been in office for almost a year now; how come he hasn’t saved the world yet, huh?!?!? I’m sick of waiting for this crappy economy to turn around. I remember (I have a very good memory) how yeeeeeeears ago, people would say how they wanted government to “create jobs.” Do you remember hearing that? It was always all over the news reports– those reporters on the streets, going down to the lower levels of American society to ask the little people what they wanted from government. “Jobs,” the people would always say, “Create more jobs.”

Well well. The government DID create jobs– in CHINA. Hope you are all happy, you knuckleheads who wanted the government to create jobs. The only REAL jobs government can ever create are Government Administrative jobs, and force businesses to invest in employees overseas! No one stopped to consider that more “government jobs” means HIGHER TAXES!! Hello?!

So here we are today. Languishing. Not only are there no minimum-wage jobs, there are just NO JOBS. I heard on the Rush Limbaugh Show today some statistics that 20% of American men ages 20-54 are unemployed. Is this for real?!?!? 20%?! That is unconscionable! And we all know what men who are idle do– CAUSE TROUBLE! You think a 23-year old unemployed man is going to fix his house’s leaky roof or shovel out Granny’s driveway or write flowery first communion invitations? No… he’s going to play computer games and move back in with Mom and Dad and mooch off their retirement. We need to get these men employed! And we need to get them real jobs, cuz you can’t pay all these taxes AND feed the family with a job flipping hamburgers. And we have to do this WITHOUT the government. Actually, I am of the persuasion that the government is being purposely manipulated. This is a fantastic post with lots more detail.

The government has done a superb job, wrecking our manufacturing industry. I’ve had it UP TO HERE with fat bureaucrats living off public largess. It is getting tougher and tougher to meet the grocery budget while the president vacays in Hawaii for $5,000 a day. He could at least donate the $$ to a soup kitchen and wear a cardigan while he tells us we need to turn our thermostats down! What a jerk….

Pet Peeves. We all have them. I just happen to have more of them than the average bear. It’s part of my crabby charm.

• Coming up with AMAZING ideas for blog posts while I’m in the shower. I have no way to write them all down! And by the time I’m done, I’ve completely forgotten all that greatness! GAH
Magazines with naked women on the covers, their bare arms hiding the tiny bits that the law won’t allow them to expose. I HATE this. Dear magazine editors and starlets: Maybe you think everyone wants to see your bare skin with you covering only the tiniest of strategic places… but no, I really don’t. Keep it under a paper bag, honey. And get a life.
• Those STUPID uneven floor tiles at the entrance/exits of WalMarts. When you wheel a grocery cart full of bags of groceries over the floor, everything in the cart bounces up and down a couple of feet. Not to mention that when I’m leaving WalMart, I want to get out of there in a hurry. But NOOO they make it so that your eggs crack and your celery splits apart from wheeling over those idiotic floor tiles! Not only that but you have go through a military-grade obstacle course, dodging the massive influx of people coming in the Exit doors. THUMBS DOWN for WalMart.
• Liberals, who, in losing an argument, resort to name-calling, character slander, or changing the subject, because they feel they must have the upper hand. Someone recently accused me of not being “intelligent” because I ‘dissed’ a stupid TV show, and Bertrand Russell, AND used CAPS TO PROVE MY POINT in the same blog post. Since he/she/it had no answer to my brilliant reasoning and deductions, he/she/it complained about my USE OF CAPS and said I couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation. Like, big whoop– like, that accusation was supposed to make me feel inferior?! See, the problem with atheists and liberals is that, to them, truth is irrelevant; what matters to them is if a point makes them FEEL superior or not. For me, truth and the pursuit thereof is EVERYTHING, and how I feel is irrelevant. It is so difficult to have conversations or debates with liberals because of this. Not all are this way, but perhaps 98% of them are.
• By the way, thAT CAPs lock is preTTy dARn aNNOYing, too. I’m aLWaYs hitting it aCCIDentaLLY. gAH1111

So those are my pet peeves for the week. Huzzah. Until next time!

UPDATE: Just thought of another one!!

• Carefully crafting a post, hitting publish, then going back to see ALL these typos and mangled grammar! GAH!!! I hate that!

Here it is, folks! The All-Purpose, Industrial Size Crabby Generator! It’s just in time for the new year, and it’s SURE to make your friends people you know and family aggravated, right after they’ve made those lame resolutions to be kinder, gentler, nicer, and get better rates on rv financing (heh heh, how’s that one, huh?). This will prove if they really mean to keep those resolutions, or are just following the other lemmings with all that phony resolution stuff.

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. (I do something like this– purely on accident!– all too often)
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “hush money.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. And cackle while you do it.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy.”
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. (I do this all the time, and it really works!)
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
16. Staple pages in the middle top of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers. (I do this; I also very sweetly say, “Excuse you” to shoppers blocking the aisles at WalMart.)
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    “DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
    “What?”
    “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat. (I have a nephew who has done something similar. Believe me, it DOES make a person crabby. VERY VERY crabby)
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “SWAT Team raid” “IRS,” and “ATF Bureau.”

moar funny pictures
Thanks to Chilly at On the Bricks for posting it. I slightly amended the list to make it even more delicious.

So which one are you?

As surprising as it may be, I am NOT Miss Perfect. Truly, I’m not! No, I must be humble and admit which character represents me best.

It’s The No Giver.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, all!

thanks to Joy of Tech for an insightful comic, and for being *almost* as crabby as I am this time of year.

Having guests over for the holidays? Yeah, I hate it, too. Here are some tips to make them think twice about crashing at your house next year!

• Make lattes with hideous faces in the whipped cream.


moar funny pictures

• Rent a dozen cats and place the litterboxes in various places (living room, bathroom, kitchen)
• Play only one song; Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Round the Christmas Tree,” ALL day long. When guests start to complain, pout that it’s the only Christmas song you have and that you NEVER get the perfect gift.



• Buy only bulky fitness equipment as gifts, and keep the receipts.
• Wait for your mother-in-law to arrive, then start a discussion about politics.
• Wait for your father-in-law to arrive, then start a discussion about religion.
• Leave Ann Coulter books or Al Franken books lying around the house.
• Serve garlic-flavored jelly beans in the candy dishes.
• Serve that nasty Jones “Tofurkey & Gravy Soda” as a drink.*barf*
• Go “Filapino” for dinner, and serve a pig’s head on a platter, with balut for a side dish! *Warning* Do not click link if your stomach is weaker then your curiosity.
• Invite families with small children, and place your breakable knick-knacks at their level! For an added touch: stock only one high-chair/booster seat in the house.

I’m sure your guests will have a day they’ll never forget. And it will ensure that next year, everybody will be meeting at Aunt Bertha’s house and not yours! Have a merry Christmas, everyone!

By the way, I don’t “do” Christmas, so I admit that I get smug satisfaction watching all of you scurry around like little ferrets while I can lean back, relax, and sip my espresso. *cackle*