Well, Mother’s Day is just around the corner! This is the day we “celebrate” our mothers for going through all the agony of pregnancy and childbirth; all the 2am feedings, explosive poops, and puking Chicken Pox nights of our infancy; all the nail-biting, ulcer-forming days throughout our tempestuous youth; and the nighttime crying jags brought on by our engagement(s) and marriage(s) and rearing (hopefully) of her grandchildren.
But what if you have (insert creepy organ music) an eeeeevil step-mother? Do you lie, buy a cutsie pink card, and care to send your very best? This post is for all you disenchanted children out there. Here are some gift ideas for you. And remember– who told you never to tell a lie? YOUR MOTHER! So prove that you never lie– tell your mother that you DO care to send her the very best.
How about this? It’s a screaming mirror. A nice touch for the vain, evil step-mother.
This is my favorite. You can give this to any of your least favorite female relatives! It’s perfume– stinking perfume. I admire that the bottle says only “Morning Breeze Perfume” on it. Just $3, too! Include the price tag for that extra-special touch.
This is a lovely tote, with motherly blue stripes. It’s the perfect gift for the “Know-It-All” step-mother, or perhaps even your mother-in-law. I mean– who can go wrong with a quote from the Great Brain, Aristotle?
These are great, too. As soon as Step-Mom opens the package, be sure to grab a few. You’re going to need them.
These are terrific. You can tell her that she can now let go of yours.
For the culinary step-mom. Ketchup as blood stains is optional.
A coaster from a very unique and colorful coaster set.
The Aging Barbie doll will bring back wonderful memories of her youth, before she got fat and ugly from all those pregnancies! I’m not quite sure where to find this collector’s item, but money is no object when it comes to expressing your true feelings for your step-mom.
And finally, this is a mug with some cute cats! Every old hag likes cats! This is perfect for the holier-than-thou types. Mothers, not cats.
There you go! Order them while you can!
Disclaimer: *sigh* My posts are not intended to criticise, disseminate, attack, provoke, or otherwise offend anyone in particular, but I retain the right to criticise, disseminate, attack, provoke, or otherwise offend some in general. This is called HUMOR. And I don’t have any step-mothers.
Places where I found these heinous products:
http://www.wastesomecash.com
http://www.zazzle.com
http://www.talkingpresents.com
http://homedecor.cafepress.com
April 28th, 2009 at 1:36 am
As an eeeeeeeeeeevil step-mother, may I just say …
Fantastic! I’ve sent the information to the children, so they know what to get me.
April 28th, 2009 at 10:09 am
LOL oh my goodness I was crying from laughing so hard – you rock!
April 28th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
That’s great!
April 28th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Ooh, me, me, me! (I’m raising my hand right now.) I have an evil step-mother. Actually, I’m on my second one. The first one I called Step Thing. This one I call Step Skank or Step Sausage (if you could see how she squeezed her thighs into those short shorts last Christmas, you would know why). She’s only one year older than me but treats me like I’m five. Oh, and she’s crazy, like hide-the-knives crazy. I’d love to get her either gift, but that would require me to spend money on her and speak to her, both of which I have resolved never to do.
April 28th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Haha! Yes, I just knew these suggestions would strike a chord for the Gen Xers around the world. Kids, fight back! Show your dads that you hate having 2, 3 step-moms your age, and who are nasty to boot!
*giggles*
And Jan, you are immediately disqualified from being an eeeevil step-mom, because you have such a great sense of humor! LOL!!!!
April 28th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Yes, I am a Gen X’er. That obvious, huh?
The worst part about Step Skank is how my dad has acted since they met. He has become this walking, talking, mid life crisis cliche. He has even gotten hair plugs! Seriously, his bald head hasn’t seen sun light or hair in decades, but he hooks up with someone my age, and all of sudden he has a need to take hair from God only knows where and have it surgically stuck to his head. All he needs now is the sports car.
April 29th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I think that apron with evil on the front is the only one I’ve ever seen that I might actually wear.
I have a slightly evil mom and a step mom (not to mention MILs and step grandmothers, etc). Thanks for the gift ideas.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Staci– yeah, pretty obvious. Me too, tho. But even if it wasn’t obvious, Gen X’ers are the ones plagued with multile step-parents. I have a not-too-disguised animosity for the Baby Boomer generation, in general (although there ARE a few good eggs out there). HA!
K- you’re welcome.
I live to serve.