Crabby Blogging Lady

Out here in the East, we haven’t had ANY snow. Until now. OH NOW, NOW that my body is slowly screaming for spring again!

We had nothing in October. The east coast got clobbered right before Halloween, as is right (heavy snow keeps the thugs at bay), but then NOOOTHING. Not in November, not December. November was a remarkable month. I think I saw more sunny days this November than I usually do in June! It was a terribly soggy spring with three major flood events, so a dry and sunny November was a real treat.

But right around Thanksgiving, we’re all ready for snow. We want to watch it trickle down as we chomp on our holiday turkeys, ya know?

But nothing came.

December was green as can be. My grass started turning green. I was kinda worried.

Then comes January. January is usually a weird month, when we usually experience a thaw and a respite from the bleak cold winter. But January has been chilly AND snowy. Can’t believe it. February is on its heels. I dread February. It’s a dismal month, with gloomy skies. The snow is usually dirt-brown, too. We’ll see.

The weather has been so strange, I wouldn’t be surprised if we got clobbered with snow in April. We can’t have dirty-brown snow for Easter! That’s when we should have our tulips and birds and cute little girls first communion gifts and white dresses and white leather patent shoes! Come on!!

….is it a sign of old age that I blab on and on about the weather?

…?

The government. They will never forget. They will never forget that nasty glare you gave little Kimmy in the play yard. They will never forget the bad word you said when you were a teenager, or the time when you tripped the class nerd to make the rest of the class laugh. They will never forget your mullet and your roach clips and your bare belly midriff.

I’m serious! They will really never forget!! Get a load of this news story.

Over 30,000 British schoolchildren, some as young as three, have had their names registered on a government database and branded “racist” or “homophobic” for using playground insults, infractions that could impact their future careers.

The shocking figures were disclosed after civil liberties group the Manifesto Club made a Freedom of Information Act request which betrayed the fact that kids who used petty jibes are now being treated as thought criminals by education authorities.

…The majority of the reported cases involved primary school children.

“The record can be passed from primaries to secondaries or when a pupil moves between schools,” reports the Daily Mail.

“And if schools are asked for a pupil reference by a future employer or a university, the record could be used as the basis for it, meaning the pettiest of incidents has the potential to blight a child for life.”

That is just sad. SO SAD!!! Little kids are little kids! And who wants to have life’s mistakes and foibles and sins stamped onto your forehead for the rest of your life, following you around in a line of trailer hitches. I just can’t believe these people are being so cruel.

You know, thank God that He is not like that. When we repent and turn to Him, He takes all our shame and regret and guilt and throws it away and never looks back. I love you, Lord, for that. And Lord…… please hurry up and come back because these idiots here on earth are creeping me out. Amen.

Dear Queen Liz:

Please don’t crown your son as king. PLEASE. He’s a kook. He says weird stuff all the time. He must get it from his father. Remember what Prince Philip said, about reincarnation?

“If I could be reincarnated, I would wish to return to Earth as a killer virus to lower human population levels.”

That’s positive leadership for ya.

Well, bonnie Prince Charles isn’t any better. As a matter of fact, I think he may be worse, because he takes things seriously. Take a look at the latest thing your son had to say:

“We are, of course, witnessing what some people call the sixth great extinction event – the continued erosion of much of the Earth’s vital biodiversity caused by a whole host of pressures, from the rising demand for land to the corrosive effects of all kinds of pollution,” he said.

Now, I’m not against being good stewards of the earth’s resources, but I think Charlie’s taking the WWF extinction a BIT too personally. We don’t worship Nature, dear.

In Charles’ defense, he does — on occasion — say something sane. Like his statement that teenagers should be bombarded with activities to prevent them from forming gangs. Yay, team. I also think young people should work until they’re exhausted. Idle teenagers get into trouble. Make ‘em chop wood and clean litter and scrub subway floors, I say.

Still, Charles is a little too weird. He’s also cheated on his wife and been, in general, a rather strange chap. I have high hopes for William. Hopefully, you do, too.

Respectfully yours,
Mrs. Crabby

P.S. If at any time you need advice in other matters of state, feel free to call or write. Or leave a comment. Thanks.

“I know, I’ll name her after my wife!” he says.

MEN.

NBC News reports that some Russian dude, wandering out in the Arctic because — heck after all, it’s just plain FUN to walk across the Arctic, ya know? — stumbled upon the mummified (frozen) remains of a baby mammoth. It’s actually an amazing find. The creature is preserved intact, even its organs!

According to Scientific Rule #836, any person who discovers something gets to name it.

Either this guy was short on names or he’s looking for a divorce. He named the woolly mammoth after HIS WIFE.

Nice move, dude.

Oh and get this– what do the other scientists want to do with the poor dead creature almost as soon as they get their latex-gloved hands on it? Rip it apart, extract its DNA and clone it!

What is WRONG with people. Didn’t they ever see Jurassic Park?!?!?! And have these knuckleheads considered how much a monster like this EATS??? With most of our feed grain going toward gas and with all the screaming alarmists yelling about “population explosion” and food shortages, they want to clone an EATING MACHINE?

I love I Can Haz Cheeseburger — the LOL Cats site– just as much as any half-crazy, middle-aged, feline-freaked cat lover. But this. This is scary. It’s a video from LOL Cats. You watch this and tell me what’s wrong.

Is it just ME or WHAT? The cat will suffocate!! Stupid cat! Hello!!! If he sticks his head in there and — God forbid– he forgets to pull it out (yes, some cats are dumber than dogs; it’s true) or he gets stuck, those giggling cat owners will have a new fur rug on their hands. That cat is in serious need of malibu rehab treatment or something. TOO MUCH catnip.

Not a funny video. Creepy!

What a hilarious story at the New York CBS news: Mysterious Hole in Basking Ridge Yard Puzzles Experts, Officials. Suuuuuure it puzzles them.

According to the story, there’s an 18-inch deep, coffee table-sized crater in a woman’s front yard. She woke up the other morning to see the hole in her lawn. Her son thinks it’s something from space, but scientists have investigated and used metal detectors and found no traces of meteorites. Some think something may have fallen from a plane, but some remnant of the thing would still be evident (unlike the 9/11 planes that mysteriously vaporized into thin air while preserving paper documents and drivers’ licenses of the criminals, yeahhhh).

I think it is probably Superman. He hit the earth didn’t he? Well, maybe he just got up and walked away. Or maybe they FINALLY DID figure out a way to dig all the way from China! Hey, you never know! I mean, if evolution is supposed to be possible and the New York Lottery is supposed to be winnable, well then ANYTHING can happen!

So there ya go, another amazing sagacious solution from the Crabby Blogging Lady. And I even did it without an information technology degree. :D