Crabby Blogging Lady

I am SO SO tempted to do this! Bwahahhaha!!! But if I do, my cat will move out of the house and never speak to me again…

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I am a professional blogger and webmaster. I work, FOR PAY, to mention certain products and companies, ok? Just like everyone else, I gotta put the bread and butter on the table.

So it really steams me to get a flood of emails, day after day, from two-bit, upstart companies requesting that I write about them. FOR FREE. As if I have nothing better to do than blog about Do-It-Yourself Ginsu Acupuncture LED Pens from Ronco or eyeglasses with “convenient” mini windshield wipers or whatever.

Hellooooo. I write about serious, USEFUL stuff, like high-quality hunting binoculars (see?)!

Look at some of these emails I’ve been getting. And the weird thing is, I don’t get them from time to time, I get them ALL the time, in massive bunches! What’s going on?

At —–.com we have developed a new photo sharing service that makes it incredibly easy to share images privately and within groups. I’m trying to spread the word about our service, and think your readers would be interested in what it can do…. I’d be really happy if you decide to write a short post about —–. As we expand our services, I’d be glad to keep you informed of changes to the site.

Oh really? So you guys at —–.com KNOW what my readers want, huh? And how would you know that? Do you guys at —–.com regularly read my blogs? HAH, I think not. And do it for FREE?? Are you guys insane?

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Whilst doing a Google search, i came across your site because i am looking to get published online.I am a freelance writer and have written an article entitled “Teak: Worth the Wait”.
The article i have written, may seem to me that your audience might be interested in the topic, but you would know much better than i.You will have the exclusive on it, if you agree to publish the article.
There’s no cost to you for the articles because i am simply looking to build my online reputation, all i ask from you is that you publish the articles “as it is”, leaving my author bio at the bottom of the article intact.
Please give me a quick email if you would like to review the article.

This one is trying to appeal to my tender heart toward writers, isn’t he? Well, if he EVEN BOTHERED TO READ MY BLOG, he’d know that I am a heartless monster who has no intention of pimping my web space FOR FREE. If you want to publish articles, bub, get your own blog.

Happy New Year! I’m a Community Manager at — —-, a social media agency based in —, and I’ve been following your blog. I notice that you do some really great product reviews on your blog! I think you’d be really interested in this opportunity from Buick so, I wanted to reach out about an exciting new program that I hope you’ll share with your audience.

Something exciting is coming from Buick. A new kind of design and luxury. At the same time, Buick is launching a major social initiative and you’ve been hand picked to participate in an exclusive first promotion. We’re only reaching out to a select group of bloggers to rally readership participation, and we’re very pleased to offer the blogger who refers the most readers $5,000!

We hope you’ll refer your readers with this link [removed] and let them know that by “Liking” the Buick Facebook page they’ll be given access to view a specially produced live event at the North American International Auto Show, Detroit (NAIAS) that will be live streaming on Buick’s Facebook Page.

Buddy, all I can say is: SHOW ME THE MONEY. Or give me a Buick. Then, we’ll talk. K? By the way, all those funky characters in your email tell me that you copied and pasted the text and sent out emails in mass abundance. FAIL.

I would like to take a moment to speak with you in regard to blu electronic cigarettes www.blucigs.com and possibly working together with your site. Since 2009, many of our affiliates have seen great conversions promoting blu.
With new upgrades to our product, website, and higher commissions paid this is the perfect time to promote blu! Sign up for your free account here http://www.blucigs.com/affiliates. We have banners/links for you to start promoting right away!

While I know my readers– all two of them– would just FLIP BANANAS to read a fascinating post about electronic cigarrettes, I’m going to have to pass. I mean, WHO ISN’T talking about this these days? I don’t want to appear to be a team player or anything.

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And that, boys and girls, is just a tidbit of what drops into my email box these days. If it isn’t the telemarketers on the phone, it’s the solicitors in the email. Sheesh.

SO hey ya’all?! Sick of winter yet? I hear there’s been snow in 47 states this winter, is that right? Ha ha ha! You Southerners take THAT, will ya! *hee hee*

I’m not done with winter. I like it. I like the freezing cold, the icy biting snow, the colorless bland sky, the painfully bright white sun causing snowblindness without warmth, the classy vision screener and snowglasses, the high heating bills, the thick parkas and gloves and boots and hats and scarves… bring it on!!

OK I’m kidding. Some things I could do without (I look awful in parkas, they make me look like a fuzzy pyramid). But I really don’t mind winter all that much- it’s better than muddy spring. And winter has one terrific advantage to it that no other season has:

ALL THE NEIGHBOR KIDS STAY INSIDE!

No screaming, no litter, no raucous laughter! No little urchins running their mopeds through my flower beds! No immature teenagers pushing themselves into my leaf piles and making a mess of my yard! And no pots heads smoking dope in the parking lot across the street! And even if the noisy little brutes DO yell, the snow absorbs the sounds! Ahhhh peace and quiet!

Gosh, I LOVE WINTER!

Come ON!

The news story, I admit, is severely lacking information. Makes my paranoid mind shift into overdrive, people.

Apparently, 200 cows in Wisconsin were found dead.

Investigators are “investigating” but they already know it’s a virus that causes respiratory and reproductive problems.

OK OK– I can understand a couple of cows dead. A cow here, a cow there. And wouldn’t the farmer have, you now, KINDA KNOWN something screwy was going on with his cows? Like, maybe they sounded a little horse? (BWAHAHAHA!! Get it? OK OK I’ll be serious now). Maybe the cows were eating right, and it just MIGHT HAVE been a virus not those amazing appetite suppressant reviews.

But 200 cows? DROP DEAD???????????

A virus did that?!

They really expect us to believe this? How could this possibly be?

Any cow expert out there? Got any opinions?

Whoopsie!

There’s something wonderful about FAIL videos that make me feel not so terribly bad about my own fails. LOLOL

I used to live in an apartment with a metal roof. As soon as the snow built up a few inches, the entire roof would rumble menacingly, as if we were going to have an earthquake, and then, BOOOOMMM!!!!!!!!!!! All the snow would come rushing down with one big white swoop. Talk about a fat burner that works– any poor soul even remotely near the snowquake would soon become the next abominable snowman unless he ran like crazy.

Oh while I’m in the mood, this one is funny, too. Look at this guy go, he’s a human torpedo!

Makes ya wonder– the skier had PERFECT aim at that spectator’s feet, now didn’t he?

Have you noticed how the blame hounds took mere seconds to JUMP on the “Arizona Shooter” story?? Both sides of the table, too– liberals and conservatives! Sheesh, in the past, the hounds usually waited a few days to allow folks to mourn before using a tragedy to shove another agenda down people’s throats. Now, like Halloween in July, the hounds can’t start the show soon enough!

I’m tired of it. These guys are disgusting. I’m going to close my eyes and ears from it all.

You know, I have pergo floors to install, bills to pay, neighbor kids to scream at. I don’t need to have another goofy political agenda shoved down my throat because some lobbyists seeks opportunity. And DON’T YOU DARE TAKE AWAY MY SECOND AMENDMENT. Just sayin’.

In other news, we got lots o’ snow in the Northeast, did you know? It’s been a pretty good (average) season for snow. But then again, maybe liberals will outlaw snow because someone died of hypothermia… or maybe conservatives will outlaw meteorology because the weatherman was dead wrong when he said we’d only get an inch. And by the way– HA HA was he joking? Yesterday, we got 18 inches. It just wouldn’t stop. Even yesterday afternoon, when we already had 6 inches on the ground, the weather prophets were saying the storm would “taper off” any moment, and total accumulation would be 1-3 inches.

You know, it’s times like this that I really think we SHOULD just flip a coin.

So… how are you? Ready to take a break from the news yet? What are you doing this weekend?