Crabby Blogging Lady

So it’s another new year, hurray! Another year of ridiculous celebrity-watching, of watching politicians lie through their teeth (ho hum), of ingesting all the latest hype that the media dishes out. Wonder what we’ll have to endure for 2010. Big whoop.

And then there are, of course, New Year’s resolutions. When did this tradition start? Who made up such a dumb thing? Nobody ever keeps them! Bah. I’m going to break tradition. Instead of ME making New Year’s resolutions for me, I’ll make up some resolutions for you! How’s that? Yes, I thought you’d be happy!

• Gain some weight. Be a non-conformist! Who says everyone needs to be as skinny as Angelina Jolie, huh?! People, you are FINE as you are! Plus, once the dollar is totally devalued and our economy tanks, you’re going to need all the extra fat you can get, to survive the tough times. That is, unless you’ve been following Glenn Beck’s advice and have a basement full of potatoes for the coming depression.
• Stop buying cheapo Chinese products! Americans and other people in Western nations complain that there are no jobs, no work… you know why? Because the politicians that YOU have been voting for have outsourced everything to China! Heck, 1 out of 4 American babies are now made in China! This must stop! Let’s take our economy back before we have to start learning Chinese and Hindi! Buy American, vote those crooks out of office, and demand that laws be changed to favor American companies and not foreign investments.
• Stop expecting Trickle Down “hope and change.” Funny, the same people who despised Reagan’s Trickle Down economics now religiously promote it when it comes to “social justice” or “fairness.” Give me a break. You want hope and change? Make it yourself, in your own family first, then your own community. Quit thinking so monarchially– we’re a republic and government is supposed to start with US, not the other way around.
• Get to know your neighbors. Let’s build communities again. Build front porches again, clean up your town both of litter and juvenile delinquents.
• Throw out the TV. It’s crap. We all know it. But for some ungodly reason, people still keep watching that durn boob tube! And then, they go on Twitter and ALL they tweet about is what they are, have, or will be watching on TV! It’s insane!

Ah. Now that I have this all off my chest, I think I may just enjoy the new year. Have a happy one!

P.S. Be sure to keep me updated on how you’re doing with those resolutions. If you ever need a kick in the pants to get you going, let me know.

Here it is, folks! The All-Purpose, Industrial Size Crabby Generator! It’s just in time for the new year, and it’s SURE to make your friends people you know and family aggravated, right after they’ve made those lame resolutions to be kinder, gentler, nicer, and get better rates on rv financing (heh heh, how’s that one, huh?). This will prove if they really mean to keep those resolutions, or are just following the other lemmings with all that phony resolution stuff.

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. (I do something like this– purely on accident!– all too often)
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “hush money.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. And cackle while you do it.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy.”
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. (I do this all the time, and it really works!)
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
16. Staple pages in the middle top of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers. (I do this; I also very sweetly say, “Excuse you” to shoppers blocking the aisles at WalMart.)
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    “DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
    “What?”
    “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat. (I have a nephew who has done something similar. Believe me, it DOES make a person crabby. VERY VERY crabby)
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “SWAT Team raid” “IRS,” and “ATF Bureau.”

moar funny pictures
Thanks to Chilly at On the Bricks for posting it. I slightly amended the list to make it even more delicious.

Join along if you want, guys. :-p

Top Reasons Why You Should Shave Your Legs Even Though It’s Winter

1. Your kids won’t make snarky remarks like “Nice fur coat, Mom,” when your pant leg rides up.

2. You’ll generate less static electricity when you walk around the house in nylon pants. The cat will be appreciative.

3. You’ll be less of a fire hazard at the gas station on those bone-dry days.

4. You’ll be prepared for shorts-wearing weather for January Thaw.

5. Realize you’re helping the economy immensely by constantly spending your hard-earned money on razors and shaving cream. :-p

6. You won’t wonder, in the middle of the night, if you’re wearing your sweat pants or not.

7. You can spontaneously wear a skirt, any time, any day!

8. Your socks will fit better, no longer cutting off your circulation from all that extra fluff.

9. You never know– you might do something absolutely crazy and go work out at the gym or something!

10. Should you ever need to be admitted into the hospital, the nurses will not have to ask you your gender. :-p

Women shaving their legs is a new concept in history. It was started at the beginning of the 20th century, due to shorter hemlines and more exposed flesh. (Not a good reason, in my opinion). Worse still, the cultural mandate for shaving legs has an entire micro-economy supporting it; namely, Gillette, Schick, and Barbasol. :-p Only in Western cultures do women shave their legs, and the only reason behind it, besides bankrolling the razor company CEOs, is to look more appealing to men. For a lot of women, those are good enough reasons, but I think they’re all rather shallow reasons. Hence, my top ten list; it makes me feel better and makes me feel that I’m not doing it *just* because the culture says we must. Because I love my kitty and I’m tired of getting zapped when I cuddle her.
If I’m going to be a conformist, it had BETTER be for some good practical reasons!

Remember this moldy oldie, folks?!

HAHA!!

When I worked in radio, back in the 80s, I had to play this stupid song almost EVERY HOUR during the Christmas music season. It nearly drove me up the wall.

I quit radio, gee, about 20 years ago now!, and for some weird reason, I remembered that song today. Funny how sentimental one gets as they age…

…so I played it for my kids. I was yukking it with peals of laughter, almost tossing my cookies because I was laughing so hard. The kids just had blank looks on their faces, obviously puzzled as to why their mother was having such a good time.

Whatever. I can party without them. I played it over and over, just like those bygone days of carefree and splendid youth! Over and over and over…

..and then… about a half hour later, I hear them singing it under their breath to each other. HA!

P.S. That music video deviates slightly from the song version. The video has Grandma pop out from the chimney, alive, after a day (apparently, Santa’s sleigh had dumped her in the chimney and she didn’t really die). The reason for the watered down version is because TV didn’t want to shock the young viewers with violence (death of Grandma) and have kids entertain the thought that Santa was a murderer. Lordy, how things have changed in 20 years!!

I’d like to wish all those who have endured my rants, my whinings, my grumblings, and my brilliant deductions and reasonings:

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

And for the rest of you: BAH HUMBUG!

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So which one are you?

As surprising as it may be, I am NOT Miss Perfect. Truly, I’m not! No, I must be humble and admit which character represents me best.

It’s The No Giver.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, all!

thanks to Joy of Tech for an insightful comic, and for being *almost* as crabby as I am this time of year.