Crabby Blogging Lady

DON’T WORRY. I’m not going to hype this up any more than the idiotic press has done. I mean, WOW. Don’t we have any interesting murders or robberies in this country to report about anymore?

So the stupid virus is reportedly in my area of New York. Thanks to the dumb student who allowed herself to get breathed on by the sickies in Manhattan, uh huh. Not that I’m terribly worried. Swine or no, I don’t appreciate getting ANY flu. I haven’t had influenza in about 13 years or so, and I’d really rather not start. The last time I had it, I’d just given birth to my son. He got it, I got it, and my two other kids (aged 3 and 2) got it. THREE TIMES OVER that winter.

*insert sputters of seething hatred for all microscopic critters*

Well, of course, ALL the news outlets here are just buzzing with activity, cashing in on, breathlessly spreading the hysteria reporting the solid facts. And for some really dumb reason, the news outlets have opened up a “forum” on their websites, where local people can chat and discuss the issues of the day. As if the news stories are not stupid enough (my local news stories always start out with something like, “It began as a hilariously happy day for John Smith of Elm Street that morning, but….”), we have to endure the comments from the local yokels, painful reminders of how much money we REALLY are throwing down the public school education toilet.

My point?

Everyone is basically saying, “Aw, send the kids to school– just tell them to use hand sanitizer!” or “Trust in our government, they’ll save us!”

HAND SANITIZER?! Government?!

Influenza is a VIRUS, hello?! It’s AIRBORNE. Hand sanitizer is going to do NOTHING. The only way to prevent the schools from being the cradle of modern-era plagues is to either 1.) shut them down, or 2.) tell the students to go to school but NO PICKING NOSES, NO SUCKING FACE, and NO BREATHING.

But we cannot close the schools, now, can we? NO! Doing so would mean that **GASP** parents would have to be unduly responsible for the little sickly urchins– for a whole 24 hours a day!!! For God-knows how long! It’s a fate worse than Swine Flu! Note to men: most women are not so uncaring and evil when it comes to choosing employment over a child’s health. Believe me, if there was a highly infectious disease and there was the slightest chance that my kid would get it, I’d QUIT MY JOB before I sent them to the local petri dish.

And then one other guy left a comment that “Even President Obama is asking us to be careful.” Oh my gosh, I am SO GLAD Obama is telling us this– I would not have realized it otherwise!

Yes, yes, I’m ranting. You would be, too, if you were forced to live in the same areas as these dumbkopfs. Holy cow.

Ah, but there was one lone voice of sanity amongst all the clatter (besides me, of course):

Well, now things are starting to look up! I’ll have to find out where this person lives! We’ll have to get together, maybe have coffee– no wait, that would be too hard to do while wearing those “attractive” blue face-masks. You see, I’ve decided to stand out on the street corner, that I may distribute those masks for anyone who passes by. Stupidity is horribly contagious and this PLAGUE MUST STOP NOW!

Well, Mother’s Day is just around the corner! This is the day we “celebrate” our mothers for going through all the agony of pregnancy and childbirth; all the 2am feedings, explosive poops, and puking Chicken Pox nights of our infancy; all the nail-biting, ulcer-forming days throughout our tempestuous youth; and the nighttime crying  jags brought on by our engagement(s) and marriage(s) and rearing (hopefully) of her grandchildren.

But what if you have (insert creepy organ music) an eeeeevil step-mother? Do you lie, buy a cutsie pink card, and care to send your very best? This post is for all you disenchanted children out there. Here are some gift ideas for you. And remember– who told you never to tell a lie? YOUR MOTHER! So prove that you never lie– tell your mother that you DO care to send her the very best.

How about this? It’s a screaming mirror. A nice touch for the vain, evil step-mother.

This is my favorite. You can give this to any of your least favorite female relatives! It’s perfume– stinking perfume. I admire that the bottle says only “Morning Breeze Perfume” on it. Just $3, too! Include the price tag for that extra-special touch.

This is a lovely tote, with motherly blue stripes. It’s the perfect gift for the “Know-It-All” step-mother, read more »

I got another award! I’m still in shock.This is, what, my fourth, fifth award?? This time it comes from Staci of Just Bloggled, and it’s the Queen of All Things Aww-Summm award. Wow. I’m flabbergasted.

All these awards are starting to make me wonder about something:

1.) Either I am not crabby enough,
2.) People just love crabby ladies, especially blogging crabby ladies, OR
3.) People are comprehensively consumed by my artful brilliance and eloquence and they can’t HELP themselves in their adoration.

I’m inclined to think it’s #3. (If only I could get them to send cash!) Maybe with a smidgen of #2. I don’t think it can be #1, because I still get a good share of nasty emails and comments. So I don’t think I can ramp up the crabbiness without threatening my U.S. citizenship or something.

I do believe I have discovered the perfect balance of crabbiness!

Many thanks, Staci! I will cherish this award with all my dark little heart. So now for the “rules.” Hm, apparently this is a consitutional monarchy as there is some form of Magna Carta I must adhere to. Bah, I can always banish the precepts like the progressives do… Are these rules “living” and “breeeeething” by any chance? Heh heh.

List seven things that make you awe-summm.
Pass the award on to seven bloggers you love.
Tag those bloggers to let them know that they are now Queens of All Things Awe-Summm.
Don’t forget to link to the queen that tagged you.
If you would like, copy the pic and put it on your sidebar so everyone knows that you’re a queen.

So…. 7 things Aww-Summm, huh?

• 1. Up until I turned a frail and fragile 42, I was able to arm-wrestle (and WIN) anyone who dared try me. I especially loved embarrassing the teenaged boys, who were so snooty in their arrogance and condescension. Haha! My secret? Don’t try to wrestle the opponent’s arm– maintain your position and allow him to huff and puff until he’s exhausted. Then, WHAM! Ya GOT HIM! Oooo just thinking of it makes me want to go stake out another teenaged victim, heh heh!
• 2. I am a FIRM believer in “Children should be seen and not heard” at the dinner table. Adult visitors LOOOVE me.
• 3. I’m a Christian– born-again, baptized, Holy Ghost-filled, radical Christian. I’ve studied philosophy, law, and history, and am completely convinced in the Christian religion– it’s truth and it’s purpose. Thanks to this, I am no longer the wallflowerish, insipid, unhappy, shrinking violet that I was as a youth. There’s something wonderful about not only being bold and outspoken, but being assured of the facts in doing so.
• 4. I love Disco and Funk. If that doesn’t prove beyond any doubt that I am the Queen of Aww-Summm, then I don’t know what is.
• 5. I used to have my own radio show, at a small radio station in New York State. One of the most popular segments of my show was “In Case You’re Stopped and Questioned on the Street.” It was usually a statement or brief story of meaningless but educational trivia, such as, “Did you know that a group of geese is called a ‘flock’ when it’s in flight, but the group on the ground is called a ‘gaggle.’ ” For some unexplicable reason, people loved meaningless trivia in short bursts. I suppose this was an early precursor to blogging, eh?
• 6. I never owned a Barbie doll until one was given to me at age 14. And it was too late– for by then, I had already formed the realization that my life has a purpose beyond being eye-candy for men. :-p
• 7. Not only am I the Queen of Aww-Summm, I am a queen of organization. I have file cabinets with receipts in chronological order; my desk is one huge organized bookcase with everything in its place; all my kids’ homeschool stuff is in racks organized by age– each kid has their own rack of notebooks, papers, etc; I have all my nails and screws organized by type in little plastic drawers; I am a fiend when it comes to the household members picking up after themselves. I AM DA QUEEN!!!!

*pant pant*

I am exhausted after all that bragging! Please don’t make me do it anymore!

And so… now I get to pass this along. Well, of course, no one is obligated to do this. And being the QUEEN, I don’t feel that I am obligated to pass it on. I’ll leave this as an open invitation– feel free to participate (men allowed) and come back and leave your link here, so I may run to see your reasons as to why you are so aww-summm.

Thank you, royal subject, for reading this far. And now if you will excuse me, I am spotting a young blonde and a white hare trotting across my chess board, and must go whack them on their heads with my scepter. Bye bye.

… she’ll be doing ads for Cover Girl. Sheesh. They’ve changed her!

Is it just me? Blogs and their gazillions of contests are just too hard, too time consuming. There was a nice one recently– so simple and easy- where a blogger was asking for ideas for naming her new puppy. Great contest! Prize was a flip camera, too! All you had to do was leave your idea in the comments.

Of course I didn’t win. :-p

Oh well. Anyway.

Then I’ve been coming across a million other contests, where I have to subscribe to an RSS feed, tell 25 other friends about the contest and include their emails, donate money to such-and-such, favorite them on Technorati and etc, Stumble their post, sacrifice my firstborn, write a post about how wonderful and easy the contest is, and then go back to the blog and leave a comment with link! And all this and I JUST MIGHT win the ballpoint pen or cheesy thank-you card set.

Why are contests so stinkin’ hard to enter? Why are there so many hoops and hurdles? Half the time, I can’t even read all the requirements in the 3,000-word post, it’s like reading an encyclopedia article or something.

So is it just me? Do you think Internet contests are too hard?

I went to the store today, and finally got a new vinyl tablecloth for the dining room table. The old one was pocked and violently slashed, the victim of my cat’s climbing escapades and the kids’ fork stabs and art projects. I’d really like to invest in cloth tablecloths again, like I used to before I had little kids around, but they are expensive and I can’t see them lasting very long, not with the little slashing monsters I have around here.

Well, I found a somewhat nice “Olive Branch” design for my table. (Gone are the days of red gingham checker tablecloths, thank the Lord). Isn’t it purdy?

My daughter graciously offered to open the package and set out the new tablecloth. Being one of those unusual Americans who reads, she inspected the package before opening it. She started laughing hilariously, and when I asked her what on earth was making her laugh so loud, she pointed to this:

“Are companies THAT afraid of being sued by stupid people?!” she asked incredulously.

Yes, she’s a chip off the old block.

Regrettably, I had to answer in the affirmative. Honey, yes, there ARE a LOT of really, really stupid people in the world.

It was a sad moment for me. Her innocence is lost. Here she had such swelling faith in the creatures of her kind… all dashed to pieces now. There was a time, waaay back in the 80s, when people still had common sense; but after our lofty government made it easier to sue corporations for the stupidest things (like McDonald’s coffee being too hot to situate between your legs while driving a Porsche), companies created shrewd and inane ways to protect themselves. And so we are, here. And we want these bureaucrats to ditch our small bcbsncs and have them manage our health care nationally?!